lies and truths is back! the first edition of this beautiful tradition was about my crushes and broke all the records of my blog. the second was about clients from hell and it was very cathartic.

now I’m gonna write about a cooler thing we’ve all been through: dating. hey, it’s nice to date guys from time to time but there’s someone that inevitably will leave you feeling like 🤦🤦. how is it possible that you have been able to survive so long being so strange? how is it possible that you’ve had girlfriends before? how is it possible that I’m here with you when I could comfortably be at home watching awful reality shows?

and I know I’m weird. but really, there are some guys out there that…

as always, there are some things that are true and some that are false. I also asked some friends to tell me about their worst dates ever. so some are mine, some are my friends’ and you’ll never know the truth. maybe it’s all false. maybe it’s all true. you’ll never know.

date #1: bike lover

I told a friend about him and she told me I was only going out with him because I liked the attention. I can’t confirm nor deny that. then we made the plan to meet on a random day of the week to have lunch. and thank God it was that plan because if it had been a beer or something else, we would’ve run out of conversation.

another important detail. he called me before the date to confirm. who the heck calls you before meeting you?

why did I go out with him in the first place? his photos were cool, he made a Buzzfeed quiz of which Chris are you and he was Christopher Waltz. and that’s it, basically. wow. haha. ah, he also recommended good music to me.

the best thing about the date: it ended fast and I ate for free because neither of us had spare money, so he paid (we are both very rich and we wanted to pay with a 500 bill). in the end, he said: you’ll invite the beers the next time. WHICH BEERS, THERE WON’T BE ANY BEERS NEXT TIME, BYE.

the worst part of the date: WHERE DO I EVEN START HAHAHASKFJS. first, he only made eye contact like 3 times during the whole date. when we greeted each other he shook my hand (?). he was talking all the time about using the bike and how he hated cars and that everything would be better without cars. in the end, I discovered he got there in a car. and there’s nothing wrong with that but you should’ve listened to him talking about his hate for cars. oh. and another very important detail. when I saw him from the other side of the street the first time I thought his hands were all tattooed but when I got closer I realized IT WAS HAAAAAIR… HAHAHAHAHADKFJS.

what happened next? he texted me about 2 more times and I ghosted him, tbh. then like 3 weeks later he texted me again: and my beers? which I obviously ignored. God bless you wherever you are.

a gif to describe your date:

Jimmy Fallon Goodbye GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #2: the magician

my first Tinder date. I told everybody about it before going and told them I’d send an SOS in case something went wrong.

why did I go out with him in the first place? in his photos he didn’t look awful, I didn’t have anything better to do and… well, that’s it.

the best thing about the date: it lasted exactly 7 minutes.

the worst of the date: when I arrived, he told me to think of a number from 1 to 10 (?). he guessed it. and I was like… um, ok. then he told me to think of another number even though I didn’t show any emotion about it. he still dared to try to explain to me how HIS MAGIC worked. then he asked me, are you stressed? YES, ABOUT THIS DATE… and for his last magic act, he took one of my hands and said, “I’m going to give you a massage.”

what happened next? I immediately wrote an SOS to a friend and she called me. I told this guy I had to go because I had to upload some things from my work. he still told me: there’s internet at my place. HAHAHAHA. WHAT. we never heard from each other again and I hope it will be like that forever.

a gif to describe your date:

New Girl Ugh GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #3: catfish #1

this is a very embarrassing story that may not be true so bye. so… a guy from Tinder GOOGLED me and found my Instagram account. he wrote to me that he had liked me on Tinder, that he didn’t know if it was a match but that he thought I was super cool and would be nice to go out with me.

why did I go out with him in the first place if he was obviously a creep? because I had already seen him on Tinder and had not given him like for reasons that are too long to explain. but I did like him. then on his Instagram, he was doing yoga WITH A CAT. pf, of course I was going to go out with him. and he was cute.

the best thing about the date: that this date completely killed my hopes that love happens like in movies.

the worst thing about the date: it was a complete catfish situation. like in his photos he looked super handsome and in person gggggggggg. then he had read my blog and seen my photos, he practically went out with me just to find out if what he thought he knew was the truth. he also was pretentious.

what happened next? we never saw each other again. he reacted to my Instagram stories and stuff like that… and I mean, I love attention. then he disappeared from the face of the earth. I found out through some friends that he had made some kind of fraud. I went out on a date with a criminal.

a gif to describe your date:

Amber Rose Whatever GIF by VH1 - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #4: brainfreeze

we met on Tinder. in his photos he looked good and in person he looked better. BUT… he’s that kind of person that over-analyzes every aspect of his life and the lives of others. basically, I had an existential crisis after meeting him.

why did you go out with him in the first place? because he invited me to have quesadillas for breakfast. I would’ve never refused to that.

the best thing about the date: we met for breakfast so I didn’t have to stay up late. at 1 pm I was already at my house with a frozen brain.

the worst part of the date: when he mentioned a Japanese philosopher who wrote about selfies and told me he had liked me on Tinder because I didn’t have selfies. I replied that my first photo was a selfie… bye. there were many uncomfortable minutes of silence where he said: and well, that’s the way things are. he also asked me which was my favorite movie director. I answered that I didn’t have one and asked the obvious question anybody would ask: what’s your favorite movie director? he took out his phone AND GOOGLED IT. he googled his favorite movie director hahahahaha.

what happened next? he wrote to me that same day to ask me out at night but wow, I was dead on the inside. we didn’t see each other again.

a gif to describe your date:

Dead Fuck My Life GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #5: I vanished

picture a time when you met people through MSN Messenger haha. wow. ok. so I met this guy on Messenger and after what seemed like an eternity (like 1 week) we finally planned to go out to the movies. what an awful first date is going to the movies… but I didn’t know a thing about life.

why did I go out with him in the first place? because it was easy. I didn’t know anything about life as stated before.

the best thing about the date: it didn’t last long and I ate some popcorn.

the worst thing about the date: there was no chemistry. there was so not chemistry in person that from the moment we were buying popcorn I was already planning my escape.

what happened next? we sat and even before the movie started I told him I wanted to go to the bathroom. in the bathroom, I thought about coming back but I remembered his face and decided to get out. I went through the exit, turned off my phone and blocked him from Messenger. God bless you wherever you are.

a gif to describe your date:

Seth Rollins Goodbye GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #6: chill, dude

everything was wrong from the beginning because I went out with some friends and there was a guy and I was like 👀 whosthat! and because this is the 21st century and YOLO, I asked a friend for his number and we went out. the first time we went out I saw him under natural lighting and without alcohol involved so he wasn’t as cute as I remembered. we had an average time and then he asked me to go out again. and that was an awful date.

why did I go out with him in the first place? first, because I thought he was cute and cool, then out of boredom, I guess. everything’s wrong, I know.

the best thing about the date: I went to the movies.

the worst thing about the date: from the moment we said hi, he tried to kiss me in the mouth. and I was like, emmm. then, we started walking to the movies and he tried to hold my hand. I was super uncomfortable. we sat down and he wanted to hug me (?). pf. this guy wasn’t getting any of my rejection signs. I stayed there and by the end I was so uncomfortable that I was like, hey, I gotta leave and left as fast as I could. I didn’t even say a proper goodbye.

what happened next? I never saw him again. I thought there was a good chance that we would meet me again because of our friends in common but turns out life likes me more than I thought.

a gif to describe your date:

Angry Clint Eastwood GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

date #7: embarrassment and catfish #2

another Tinder horror story and another catfish hahaha. this date was also a test for everything I say I am but I’m actually not.

why did I first go out with him? because we talked relatively a-ok on Tinder and the plan sounded good, just having a beer in some local brewery.

the best part of the date: I had my favorite beer.

the worst part of the date: see him walking down my way. I mean… wow. I’m the kind of person that always says that looks don’t matter that much and that you can’t judge someone for the way they look but MAAAAN. this guy. I’m not going to get into details about what he was wearing because I don’t wanna hurt anybody with my words but wow. I was like, come oooon, can somebody really dress like that in his daily life? apparently, yes. he looked very fake, I don’t know gggg. ok, I can maybe get past that but… HE LOOKED COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM HIS PHOTOS. he looked so different that I took out my phone to check that it was him indeed. and if that wasn’t enough to make me feel uncomfortable, I even bumped into some friends! ugh.

what happened next? I texted a friend so he could call me and I could get out of there. my friend called me after about 20 minutes that felt like an eternity and I left. we never saw each other again.

a gif to describe your date:

No Way Abandon Thread GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

in conclusion

what I’d really like to know is if those dates were as bad for them as they were for me. I mean… I don’t think I’m that awful but maybe I’m on some kind of awful daters list for these guys. if I’m on the list, please don’t tell me… it’d break my heart. thank God I don’t have to date anymore.

and, if you’re brave enough, please tell me about your worst dates so I can feel better about myself, k thank u bye.

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